Mom-guilt: I am guilty!

Today, I am working from home. I received a text message from Geoff’s nanny that he has a fever at around 10-11 PM. This made me worry as I already have this gut feeling even before Babe and I left for work that day.

Based on experience with Geoff, he does not like drinking his fever medicine. Whenever we were able to trick him, he’ll end up vomitting everything he ate or drank, worse, it will be a crying fest for a long time. What usually is a simple and short solution for other moms are not applicable to us.

One thing that I am most worried today is that there is currently a measles outbreak. Sure it was reported in the Southern part of the Metro, but still, since it is airborne, and my child is not yet 2, even with his initial vaccine, does not guaranty that he can be spared. The second thing that I am paranoid of, is that what if for some extreme scenario, we had to bring Geoff to the hospital. The health card provided by the company is not available yet, but never mind that. Hospitalization entails IV drops to be inserted to my baby. Plus the trauma it brings. Hence, my decision to stay.

There are many other instances when I wished I stayed home even if it is not an emergency such as this. Most of the time, I miss my boy, I miss helping him settle in to bed at night, read or make up bed time stories as well as the cuddles before lights out. I feel that I am not teaching him enough for his development, and worst of all, I feel I am not spending enough time for him.

My usual routine goes like this. My shift starts at 3 PM, the same schedule as my husband. I wake up at around 9 or 10 AM, and by this time, if I am lucky, I will still catch Geoff playing before his nap time. I prepare the meal, chill for an hour or 2, then get ready to go to work. I am again lucky if Geoff wakes up before we leave. We arrive from work at around 1 or 2 AM, and will most likely play with Geoff when he wakes up at around 8 AM. Imagine the hours that I get to spend with Geoff? Too short to my liking.

What I want to do the most is to tuck him in bed. To be able to read him stories and teach him to pray. It’s quite nice that he is familiar with Papa Jesus’ image as he never fails to point out his picture whether in form of a statue, picture, or painting. I want to be able to teach him the proper way to eat, do activities such as drawing, painting, or clay crafting.

As I write this now, the baby is awake and is forcing his way onto my lap. I know that when this happens, I have to shut everything off, and give my attention to him, 100%. No excuses. Aside from him tapping everything he sees, he also has this habit of taking my hand off the keyboard, thus, no work can be done. Stress, but a happy stress nonetheless.

I know that this “mom-guilt” that I’m feeling is normal and will eventually fade, so for now, I will do what I have to do, which is to drop everything and spend time with the clingy little one.

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